I wish there was something I could say to let him.know it isn’t his fault. People fall out of love, it happens……I’m not mad, or upset, nor do I blame him. His happiness is what matters most. He needs to do fir himself. He has been taking care of me for too long I.feel…and I wish there was someway to repay him….I just want him to.live a happy healthy life.
I may not get to share it with him, but I will always be there when he needs me. My best friend is an incredible man. And I am so.lucky and blessed to have him. Even if he’s just my best friend and not the man I’m meant to be with…I don’t ever want to hurt him, or do wrong by him. I just want him to be happy……
Tonight was supposed to be easy, but no Jordan had to go fuck it up, I was supposed to be able to go home early, fuckin ridiculous, just do your damn job and stop throwing hissy fits, I do your job half the time and I don’t bitch about it, you at least make tips for bussing tables, I don’t, so stfu and get over yourself, stop being lazy you dumb ass.
Feeling incredibly nauseous today, but can’t throw up…on top of that totally forgot to put oil in my car so it keeps screaming at me, I don’t know who’s closing the store tonight since no one is listed, all the tour de palm springs people are incredibly rude, and I’m worried about him not having an arm and I’m not going to be home most of the day…..thank God his mom lives right up the road from us and can help him if he needs it. Now to try to survive my morning and pray I can make it through work tonight….God help me….
Can’t believe I got that drunk and that we had to call him and wake him up…and now he hates me, which to be honest I hate myself right now…there’s no way to make up for it and I know he’s most likely not going to want to go to that dance tonight..I fucking deserve it after yesterday…I just always know how to fuck things up..
Feeling really good about being able to pay off some of my credit card debt, now going to fix my car and put aside some money for my tattoo and then try and give as much of it as I can to my roommate…..and figure out how to just leave him alone, I am smothering him…..I’m not doing it intentionally, I just miss him and us….but that’s obviously no longer on the table so i need to let it go and rebuild again…
No matter how much I’ve been through, I will always be that shy little girl that is inscure about her weight and her looks, and the fact that she’s taller than everyone, and has a red face, and isn’t pretty, and no one wants to be her friend, and no one wants to date her, and she cries herself to sleep most nights, and will never find her place in this world, it will never stop hurting when someone calls me a name, I will never think I’m pretty, no one will ever stay in love with me, bc I’m just not as good as the other girls. I have felt this way my whole life, and even when a stranger calls me a name I fall to pieces and just want my mom to be there to tell me it’s ok and that she loves me, even though it doesn’t make up for the things that the person said I always have my mom to depend on…..I miss her terribly on days like this…..I always feel like God is punishing me, I always try to do the right things and I always try to help others and do my best, but I feel like he just doesn’t love me half the time……I have to work harder than everyone else, I have to be stronger than everyone else, and I have to do it all alone….I don’t always feel him like others say they do, I feel like he turns his back on me a lot and expects me to just fill in the blanks, what could I have done to deserve a life like this?? I have a rough disease that constantly makes me sick, I lost the one man who said he’d love me forever, he’s my best friend, and I feel like sometimes he doesn’t even want to be that….I don’t have anyone else to turn to…..I had no one to call today other than him and my mom, and my mom didn’t even answer so I had to call my sister, who has no idea what it’s like to be overweight and to have people call you fat or ugly, she’s beautiful…she’ll never know what it’s like to be me……I am just so tired of being that sensitive little girl…….I just keep letting it all build up and don’t say anything until I get the straw that breaks my back and I don’t have anyone to turn to…..I just want to be beautiful, I just want someone to love me, I’m tired of being alone…..
I know it shouldn’t get to me this much but it really hurt for him to call me a fat cunt…..I work so hard on trying to lose weight and it seems like nothing really works……and when I called my best friend he didn’t answer….I know it’s not his job to answer my hysterical phone calls anymore but he’s still supposed to be my best friend….and he wasn’t there….I don’t know how anyone could talk to another person like that, let alone a complete stranger…HE almost hit ME not the other way around….I just wanted to get home in between jobs to try and get some rest……but now all I hear is his screaming at me and calling me a fat cunt…….and I can’t stop crying……..it really hurt……….and I have no one to talk to or to comfort me…..I have no one…….